Parent-child relationships in India: love, labels, and the rise of gentle parenting
Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved? Padmavathy draws on her own upbringing and self-discovery to contextualise the importance of parenting styles in shaping the parent-child bond and childhood psychosocial development.
अङ्गप्रत्यङ्गज: पुत्रो हृदयाच्चापि जायते ।
तस्मात्प्रियतमो मातु: प्रियत्वान्न तु बान्धव:
।। 2.74.14 ।।
"A son is the most beloved to his mother as he is born from the primary and secondary limbs of her body and also from her heart. The other relatives are only like friends."
This is an English translation of a verse in one of the most famous epics from ancient India, Ramayana, authored by the revered sage Maharshi Valmiki. True to the verse, to most parents, their children are the apple of their eyes, and likewise, to most children, their parents are their first teachers and friends. This mutual bonding between parents and children is considered to be divine in the Indian culture for many centuries now, with scholars emphasising the need for strong familial bonds and attachments. Many ancient texts prescribe fulfilling one’s duties towards the family through becoming a “householder” (or grihastha) as an important stage in the cycle of life. While the core family values in Indian society have remained largely the same today, parenting styles have been adapted and modified to suit different mindsets, perspectives, and diverse lifestyles of people across the country.
In my experience, along with anecdotes recounted by many friends and acquaintances, parents are eager to enhance the quality of their children’s lives and keep them happy, even when they are going through several hardships themselves. It is hence not an understatement to say that—when pure, comforting, and unconditional—the love of a parent cannot be compared to anything else in this world. Research has demonstrated that this parental love, when shown through secure and consistent attachment toward the child during their early development years, can enhance nonverbal communication skills. Small things, like playing with the child or making eye contact, often goes a long way in influencing behavioural regulation, language learning, cognition, and social interaction in the child’s later years.
“mutual bonding between parents and children is considered to be divine in the Indian culture”
These theories are based on the extent to which most children consider their parents to be trusted and appreciated role models. However, eventually, as the child nears adolescence, frictions of viewpoints between the child and parent can occur. As the child transitions from childhood into adulthood, they can begin to become independent in their thoughts and actions as they make sense of the world around them. This may be an extremely exciting yet challenging stage of the child’s life, and they can be inquisitive and eager to explore new things without expecting their parents to guide them through it. Meanwhile, parents are often glad to see their child grow up, and provide them with the best of academic and co-curricular experiences, constantly motivating and guiding them from a greater distance. But some parents can struggle to accept that their little bundle of joy is no longer a small child anymore—they get anxious about the difficulties the child may face outside home and also have to accept the sudden questioning and disagreement from their children’s end. Due to these factors, it is very natural for arguments and tensions to occur.
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However, as the parent may be accustomed to acting as a role model and guide, the teen can often be blamed for these tensions. During these stages, I have often seen parents, teachers, or relatives in India categorise children into two different groups: the ‘obedient’ children who are expected to live up to the expectations of the parents and have to accept their parents’ decisions without questioning, and the ‘rebellious’ children, who go against their parents in all situations, causing much agony and frustration to the parents who ultimately concede to the child’s demands.These differential categories can, according to attachment theory, can be attributed to different types of parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved.
The authoritative parenting style prioritises communication between parents and children, where the child is clearly told why they are being rewarded or punished and are given their own space to explore, learn, and gain a hands-on understanding, with some reasonable limitations and expectations set by the parents. This parenting style is perceived to be the most accepted one by psychologists and other experts, who believe that not only does the parent-child bond strengthen in this case, but it also ensures that the child grows up to be an emotionally well-regulated and confident adult. The authoritarian style is the opposite of the authoritative. Here, the parent sets the rules which have to be followed by the child and refuses to be questioned or challenged at all. Children raised by an authoritarian parent can grow up to lack confidence and are more likely to become impulsive and rebellious adults.
Meanwhile, in permissive parenting, the child is given more autonomy to decide for themselves and the parents may not set any ground rules to be followed. The consequences of this style can have detrimental impacts for the child: research has suggested that children growing up in permissive households may develop unregulated eating habits or be involved in addictive behaviours, such as gambling, since they are unable to self-regulate. The uninvolved parenting style is self-explanatory: the parent is not around to provide emotional support to the child, leaving them on their own to raise themselves. Such a child can grow up to become hyper-independent and tough, but may also lack self-esteem.
“I have often seen parents, teachers, or relatives in India categorise children into two different groups: the ‘obedient’ children who are expected to live up to the expectations of the parents and have to accept their parents’ decisions without questioning, and the ‘rebellious’ children, who go against their parents in all situations”
Attachment theory helps us consider how different parenting styles inevitably impact the child's behaviour, influencing whether they are labelled as obedient or rebellious during their adolescence. However, when parents label their children as obedient or rebellious, they often fail to take account of the role their own parental style has had on shaping the behaviour and characteristics that develop during adolescence.
To add further nuance, parenting often puts a lot of stress on parents themselves. This means that a parent’s action or behaviour is, to an extent, also influenced by their past experiences from their own childhood and adolescence. Therefore, when they resort to less helpful parenting techniques it may be a reaction to their own childhood traumas, or in a well-intentioned attempt to provide their child with a different upbringing to their own. It is also important to acknowledge that parenting styles are greatly impacted by wider social and structural determinants, and many parents have to work to balance concerns about money and safety as well as managing their child’s wellbeing. Lastly, a parent’s own physical and mental health can impact their ability to meet their children’s emotional needs. These changes can occur right from the birth of their child—be it from lack of sleep or financial pressures that come with caring for a newborn.
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My own experience is worth sharing here: for most of my life I was an obedient child. I did my best to meet the expectations of everyone around me. I was valued for my achievements and good behaviour and it made me happy that everyone was proud of me. Eventually, I realised that focusing on making others happy often came at the expense of what I wanted. Only after several rounds of trial-and-error did I realise the need to carve an identity for myself, away from external expectations. Choosing to prioritise myself encouraged me to try new things during college. It also helped me grow as a person since I had to face many kinds of challenges and situations without the comfort and support from my friends and family. In the process, I did have several disagreements with them over this, but by standing up for myself and clearly communicating my thoughts, I was able to resolve any conflicts that arose. It also made me realise how grateful I was to have such a strong and close-knit support system—people who guided me and provided me with constructive criticism and varied perspectives, helping me to be reflective and address my negative traits too.
My own experience of breaking out of the ‘obedient good girl’ label set on me helped me to become a more self-confident and mature version of myself—much to the surprise and joy of my parents. But this is not always the case for other teens and young adults from India, where traditional understandings of parent-child relationships can often limit children’s ability to explore their own identities during their adolescence and early adulthood.
This being said, understandings of parent-child relationships in India are beginning to change. The next generation of parents in India have been exploring and trying out ways to parent differently. The idea of ‘gentle parenting’ has become increasingly popular, especially among those living in urban areas. Gentle parenting is similar to the authoritative parenting style, focusing on parents validating their child's feelings and emotions respectfully. A multitude of resources, such as parenting books, consultations with child psychiatrists, and workshops organised by family coaches, are now available to guide parents who want to experiment with this parenting technique. The approach requests parents to be resilient and patient with their toddlers and young children even in the most difficult situations, and has been proven to be extremely rewarding—not just for the child, but for the parents themselves, who feel this is an opportunity for them to reflect on their own negative behaviours and modify them.
“The next generation of parents in India have been exploring and trying out ways to parent differently. The idea of ‘gentle parenting’ has become increasingly popular, especially among those living in urban areas. ”
To conclude with a popular proverb: “It takes a whole village to raise a child”. In the past, Indian families followed a joint family system, where three generations lived under the same roof. This system allowed the child to be raised in an environment with multiple perspectives, receiving guidance and support from their grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and so on. However, throughout the years, with changing priorities such as better study and work opportunities, people had to move out of their homes to different cities within the country, or even abroad. For a child now, keeping in touch with extended family members is often harder to maintain. These new parental approaches may help balance the benefits of these traditional and modern approaches, ensuring parents remain a trusted source of guidance and love, while permitting the child to explore their identity away from familial expectations and labels.
Acknowledgements: I would like to thank Ms. Gotha Hari Priya, Parenting Educator and Family Life Coach from Coimbatore, India, for giving her valuable inputs for this write up!