My eating disorder’s relationships
Eating disorders (EDs) don’t just impact your relationship with food. They impact your human relationships too.
Family
When I was at my breaking point a few years ago, I’d told my mum what was going on but not my dad… I didn’t think he’d understand. I worshipped him as this smart, stoic, and logical man, who didn’t have and wouldn’t understand mental health struggles. I thought he’d think I was dramatic and tell me to pull it together. I shut him out, leaving him confused about where he went wrong as a parent. It wasn’t an easy time in our relationship, but I gradually explained what was happening, and he listened. Now, he applies his same logic and careful thinking when I call him asking for advice on whether I should eat (hint: the answer is yes, but the consideration from another and space to vent always helps). In short, he's a star.
“I’d told my mum what was going on but not my dad… I didn’t think he’d understand. I worshipped him as this smart, stoic, and logical man, who didn’t have and wouldn’t understand mental health struggles.”
Friends
Friendships are interesting. They can leave you feeling full or empty, depending on whether someone takes the time to listen. When someone you’re extremely close to doesn’t acknowledge the difficulties an ED presents or says that your ED stresses them out, you can feel very alone and guilty. Conversely, the friends who truly listened mean even more to me than they did before. I would cancel on and lie to my friends if there was food involved in the meeting, if I had to exercise, was too anxious, depressed, tired/hungry, or ashamed of my body. This made it difficult to maintain a lot of friendships.*
“I would cancel on and lie to my friends if there was food involved in the meeting”
What many people don’t realise are the comparisons you make. I’d constantly compare our bodies, feeling bitter when they were slimmer than me, and grotesquely happy when they gained weight or were bigger than me. I’d look at their arms to see how mine measured up and got a kick out of exercising more than them. I know it wasn’t really me making these comparisons, but rather my eating disorder. However, the impact on the friendship was the same, and the guilt the thoughts brought was (still is) immense.
Partners
*The same issue of cancelling on friends also applies to dates.
With my ED breaking my confidence from the inside and telling me the way I looked was The Most Important Thing, all validation came from others, ideally in the form of approval from romantic/sexual partners and often via one-night stands. But when I didn’t see them again (because we were fundamentally incompatible or because it was a one-night stand), my ED said, “that’s because you’re not good enough, have you thought about eating less?”, and the cycle continued.
“With my ED breaking my confidence from the inside and telling me the way I looked was The Most Important Thing, all validation came from others, ideally in the form of approval from romantic/sexual partners and often via one-night stands”
When the time came to have more intimate relationships, my core ‘not enough’ feeling prevented me letting them in: I’ve pushed people away for fear of them discovering my ED or from being unable to accept love, again reinforcing the narrative that I’m unlovable.
These won’t be the same for everyone with an ED, and with the support of loved ones and therapy it isn’t indefinite, but it’s a snapshot of mine at its worst.